Enjoy LAUGHING OUT LOUD 5

Another priceless collection!



SECRET FORMULA to ACHIEVE BETTER THAN THE BEST
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If the letters:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

are represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's Bullshit and Ass kissing that will surely & certainly put you over the top!



International Diets

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and have fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

E) The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:
Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.



Life's little ironies

Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.
Time may be a great healer,
but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.
If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
you grow old because you stopped laughing.



Subject: Marketing made easy
Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.


ACTUAL WRITINGS from hospital charts:

> > 1. The patient refused autopsy.
> > 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
> > 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
> > 4. Note: patient here-recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.
> > 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
> > 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
> > 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
> > 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
> > 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
> > 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
> > 11. Patient had waffles for& bsp;breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
> > 12. She is numb from her toes down
> > 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
> > 14. The skin was moist and dry.
> > 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches
> > 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
> > 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
> > 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
> > 19. I saw your patient today, who i s still under our car for physical therapy.
> > 20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
> > 21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
> > 22. Skin: somewhat pale but present
> > 23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities


VISITING COWBOY FROM TEXAS

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the saloon's regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink and left the saloon, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.


"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't want to have to do what I done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another beer and walked outside, to find that his horse has been returned to its post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender followed the cowboy out of the bar. "Say, pardner, before you go," the bartender asked nervously, "what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "Waal..... I had to walk"


Medical Terminology Malapropisms
[Thanks to Jim McQ]

Anally -- occurring yearly

Artery -- study of paintings

Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria

Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarian section -- district in Rome

Cat scan -- searching for kitty

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

Colic -- sheep dog

Coma -- a punctuation mark

Congenital -- friendly

D&C -- where Washington is

Diarrhea -- journal of daily events

Dilate -- to live long

Enema -- not a friend

Fester -- quicker

Fibula -- a small lie

Genital -- non-Jewish

G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game

Grippe -- suitcase

Hangnail -- coat hook

Impotent -- distinguished, well known

Intense pain -- torture in a teepee

Labor pain -- got hurt at work

Medical staff -- doctor's cane

Morbid -- higher offer

Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate

Node -- was aware of

Outpatient -- person who had fainted

Pap smear -- fatherhood test

Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis

Post operative -- letter carrier

Protein -- favoring young people

Rectum -- damn near killed 'em

Recovery room -- place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- amorous

Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion -- hiding anything

Seizure -- Roman emperor

Serology -- study of knighthood

Tablet -- small tab

Terminal illness -- sickness at airport

Tibia -- country in North Africa

Tumor -- an extra pair

Urine -- opposite of you're out

Varicose -- located nearby

Vein -- conceited



BEFITTING EXPLANATION (Thanks to Vindi's so appropriate footnote!)

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"

(And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to send you a story like this!!)