Enjoy LAUGHING OUT LOUD 4

Another priceless collection!




SOCIALISM to BEAURACRACY - definitions!

Socialism:
You have two cows.
You keep one, but must give the other to your neighbor

Communism:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and provides you with milk.

Fascism:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and sells you the milk.

Dictatorship:
You have two cows,
The government takes both, then shoots you.

Bureaucracy:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both,
shoots one, milks the other,
pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.




POLITICS:

An eight year old goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her 'the Government'. We're here to take care of your needs, so, we'll call you 'the People'. The nanny, we'll call her 'the Working Class'. And your baby brother, he's what we'll call 'the Future'. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad had just told him. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check upon him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and finds his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning at the breakfast table, the little boy tells his father, "Dad, I think I understand the thing about politics now." "Good," says dad, "Tell me in your own words what do you think politics is all about."

"Well," replies the boy, "while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."



Food for thought:

Watch your thoughts, they become words,
Watch your words, they become actions,
Watch your actions, they become habits,
Watch your habits, they become character,
Watch your character, for it becomes your Destiny.



A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went to the mailbox. She opened it, looked in and then slammed it shut, & returned to the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet once again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."




An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping) After the test, the manager says, "You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day". Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that really means that you virtually don't exist, and can therefore hardly expect to be employed". Stunned, the man leaves with disappointment.

Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hrs, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed later and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time with hard work & effort. Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, " What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!"

After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied, "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of the story:
  • The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
  • Get e-mail, if you want to be a cleaner at Microsoft.
  • If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
  • Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.
  • If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft!!



    GREAT COMPANY

    Can one imagine working for the following company?

    It has a little over 500 employees with the following past statistics:

    29 have been accused of spousal abuse.
    7 have been arrested for fraud.
    19 have been accused of passing bad checks.
    117 have bankrupted at least two businesses.
    3 have been arrested for assault.
    71 cannot get credit or loans due to bad credit histories.
    14 have been arrested on drug related charges.
    8 have been arrested for shop-lifting.
    21 are current defendants on various lawsuits.
    84 were stopped for drunken driving, in 1998 alone.

    Can you guess what mighty Organization this is?

    Give up? ...

    Jump some spaces down ...




    It is the 545 members of the Lower House of Parliament of India that works for me and you. The same group that cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of laws designed to keep the rest of us in line... Can we do some thing about it? At least, we'll spread the word around using this mighty medium called the Internet, and maybe start by not staying away from voting!



    This is the essay on "Cow" which was (supposedly) written by a Bihari student in the course of completing the "Indian Administrative Services Examination".

    PS : There are no typos in this essay. Everything is as it was written in the examination. If you develop cramps reading this, or find your English having gone haywire after reading this, please don't blame me!

    (CALCUTTA's Telegraph had got hold of this answer paper at the recent UPSC examination).

    "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. "His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. "His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

    "His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

    "He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body where upon he gives hit with it.

    The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

    "This is the cow."


    P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam.