Enjoy LAUGHING OUT LOUD - 3

Still a priceless collection! Some special Sardarji collection included....




SIDHUISM - FRESH STOCK!
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He is the Badshah of Balderdash, and he is our own cricketer turned commentator Navjot Singh Sidhu. Enjoy some "Sidhuisms" that have regaled audiences and media alike:
  1. The ball is whizzing past like a bumblebee and our batsmen are all at sea!
  2. When you are dining with a demon, you got to have a long spoon.
  3. We'll take the cake with the red cherry on top.
  4. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.
  5. The gap between bat and pad is so wide you could have driven a car through.
  6. If 'ifs and buts' were 'pots and pans' then there would be no tinkers.
  7. Anybody can become a pilot when the sea is calm.
  8. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.
  9. He is a wily fox. But, if we make the fox run, the chicken will become hen.
  10. It is not all over till the fat lady sings!
  11. A fallen lighthouse is more dangerous than a reef.
  12. You cannot ride a seat-less bicycle without getting blisters on your bums.
  13. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
  14. A revolutionary idea is usually one with its sleeves rolled up.
  15. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
  16. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
  17. The cat with gloves catches no mice.
  18. If the heavens throw you dates, you got to keep your mouth open.
  19. The Indian tail is like a Doberman, when they must German shepherds.
  20. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.
  21. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
  22. When you have a hen laying eggs you should not mind the cackle.



Physically Fit Workplace

Our company requires no further physical fitness programs.
Everyone gets enough exercise:
jumping to conclusions,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
Passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
and pushing their luck!



"SHERLOCK HOMES & WATSON go Camping!":

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."



"la/le COMPUTER":

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French nouns, unlike in English, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison" and "pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon", and so on.

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be feminine ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.




MIND YOUR LANGUAGE By Barry O' Brien - Specially for the CALCUTTAN's!

There were no charpokas, peepreys or haatis on the streets Wednesday before last. Except for a few mamas and mastaans, almost everybody stayed home because it was a hartal. Bouncy break-dancers and slow-moving langras also had a rest day. Near Howrah and other vantage entry points, CITU sergeants saw to it that local trains could get no further. Decibel levels fell drastically, due to the absence of the rattle of Calcutta's bone-shakers and the barking of minibus conductors. There were no cries of "Aastey ladies", "Hilakey Chalo" and "Electrikey Chalao".

If you've lost me and you're reaching for a Calictionary, stay right where you are, you'll find it on this page. Calcuttans on the street, more than any other city, have a term or a phrase of their own for everything under its scorching sun. No city can match it for orginality and spontaneity when you talk of a roadside lexicon. No other citizen in the world has the intensity, the passion and the sense of humour that the Calcuttan has. With his turn of phrase he is an Oscar Wilde, Bernard Shaw and Sukumar Ray rolled into one? Expressive, Explosive and always Exclusive.

For the uninitiated Calcuttan, here's a handy thesaurus of innovative street jargon; for the hardcore Calcutta, it could serve as a ready reckoner:

Mama: policeman. Now you know why you need to stay away from your "Mamar-bari"!

Peeprays: auto-rickshaws who are multiplying in hundreds and bugging one and all

Charpokas: Maruti 800s

Matchbox: Calcutta's first generation mini-buses that left you hunchbacked and stiff-necked.

Haatis: double-decker buses with a 'trunk' in which the driver sits; an almost extinct species.

Langras: three-legged tempos that limp along and handicap other drivers.

Shahid Minars: speedbreakers. Erecting them has become a trend, generally after someone has been killed on the spot.

Electrikey Chalao: a bus conductor's coded jargon, telling his driver to speed-break-speed-break? in order to jerk passengers further in, since they are all crowding near the entrance.

Hechkee tulchen kano: a passenger's retort to the above.

Dada, Fevicol naa ordinary?: question asked by a 'standing commuter'(usually on a local train) to a 'sitting' one, wanting to know how far he is going. If the answer is ordinary', the 'standing' commuter will stay right there waiting to pounce on his seat; if the answer is "fevicol", he will move away to try his luck with another passenger.

Dada, kee khelchen? Test naa One day: The bus equivalent of above.

Dada, istri korey dilen?: what you tell a passenger who in his hurry to get off, stamps hard on your toes.

Dada, je akebarey daak-ticket hoye shetey galen: sarcastic comment targeting Romeos who refuse to budge from the vicinity of the ladies seats, invariably getting 'stuck', just like a stamp on an envelope

Sandow maashi: a tongue-in-cheek conductor's term describing a not-so-young lady wearing a sleeveless blouse, a la Govinda.

Half-ladies : a skinny, boyish girl in jeans and T-shirt; the conductor is in a dilemma!

Dadar kee double ticket naa kee: a passenger's caustic remark to a grossly overweight fellow passenger who is hogging the seat.

Dada, kon ration-er chaal khaan: this is another version of the rude comment above.

Aierey, forsha korey dilo: a helpless pickpocket victim's exasperated exclamation.

Dada, engine-er tuning-ta thik karaan: below-the-belt advice to a fellow passenger who is snoring loud enough to drive the pigs to market.

Kaar badi-tey aaj moolor char-chari ranna hoyechey, dada: a subtle comment directed to whom it may concern, in a crowded bus, post a 'sudden whiff in the air'




Q: What do you call a Sikh who drinks only beer? ----JUSBEER SINGH
Q: What do you call a Sikh guy who has only one drink ---JUST-ONE SINGH.
Q: What do you call a Sikh scuba diver? A ----JULL-UNDER SINGH
Q: What do you call a better adapted Sikh diver? ---JULL-UNDER SINGH GILL
Q: What do you call a bald Sikh guy ---BALD-EV SINGH
Q: What do you call a Sikh boyfriend ---HER PAL SINGH
Q: Who is he who has many publications to his credit? ---JOURNAL SINGH
Q: What do you call a Sikh guy running towards the enemy camp with a white flag in his hand---SURRENDER SINGH
Q: What do you call a Sikh enjoying a walk in the park---RELAX SINGH
Q) What do you call Singh:
1) who drinks too much---Bho pinda Singh
2) One haired Singh---Iqbal Singh
3) Electrical Engineer--Tara Singh
4) ..and his brother---Cable Singh
5) The famous Olympic lady runner---Tej Kaur





Santa Goes to heaven

Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed, santa Singh's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Santa used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Banta singh thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Banta singh was visting Santa's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Santa died. "You know," he said, "Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Santa, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Santa & Banta


Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read "Padne waala gadha."(one who reads it is an ass.) Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,"Likhne waala gadha."(One who wrote it is an ass).


Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone." "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh.


Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "They should not put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said , "FINE FOR PARKING HERE."


A haryanavi peasant came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him. "Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the haryanavi. "My father was 182 cms tall."


Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach :
Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise 'beach' kyo kaheete hai ?
Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahe pata ?
Sardarji 1 : Nahe pata.
Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai .


Rajsi complained to his friend about his wife ' My wife never agrees with anything I say. And we have been married for six years .' Mrs Rajsi intervened, 'Not six we have been married for seven years !


A Sardarji, very proud of his humour used to say to his wife leaving for the office : 'Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa' . One day his wife fed up of this answered : ' Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke Baap'. That ended the husband's witticisms.


Avtar & Kartar used to stay in same building . Avtar on the Ground floor & Kartar on the 25thfloor. One day when the lift was not working, Kartar invited Avtar for a Dinner. Avtar trudged up to 25th floor to find Kartar's flat closed from outside and had a note which read : 'How did you enjoy your dinner ? ' Not to be outdone , Avtar wrote under it, 'Sorry , I could not make it .'


'Take me to the 10th floor,' said Banta Singh as he entered the lift of a high rise bulding. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said, 'The 10th floor, beta.' 'Why did you call me beta?' demanded Banta Singh. D'I am not your son.' I called you beta because I brought you up,' replied the liftman.


The collector asked Banta Singh for his rail ticket. Banta Singh searched his pockets but could not find it. 'Never mind,' reassured the collector, ' I will take your word that you bought your ticket.' 'That is very kind of you,' replied Banta Singh,'but if I don't find it, I want to know where to get off.'


Santa Singh : 'Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made. The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?' Banta Singh : 'Yes, that's funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?'


Sardarji ( to doctor ) : Doctor, I have a problem.
Doctor : What's your problem?
Sardarji : I keep forgetting things.
Doctor : Since when do you have this problem?
Sardarji : What problem?



Letter
Letter from mother to son Santa Singh. Pyare Puttar, Vahe Guru. I am writing this letter slow, because I know you can't read fast. We do not live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they would not have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I am not sure it works too well. Last week I put 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since then. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained 3 days, and the second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. We got another bill from the funeral home. It said if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral, he will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery . Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle Jatinder fell in a whisky vat. Some men tried pulling him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. There is not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. LoveMom.
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.


Ooye balle baale - Enjoy

   
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Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.


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A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"




Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it....
 

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A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR



Sardar's wish: when I die, I wana die like my Grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not Screaming like all d passengers in d car he was Driving..

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A Teacher lecturing on population:

"In Indi a after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid. "

A Sardar stands up- "We must find & stop her!. "




A man: "Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening not in the morning?"
Sardarji: ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.
 

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Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes to China  to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.
And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"




Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.


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Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
Guess what...
To avoid side effects!!!


Man: Sardarji where were U born?
Sardarji: Punjab .
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".  


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Lawyer to Sardar: "Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke...... "
Sardar :"Yeh kya, sita pe haath lagaya to court mein Bulaya. Ab fir gita pe haath!!"


A Sardar saw a beautiful girl... He went and kissed her....
Girl said- "What R U doing...?"
Sardar replied- "
B.COM from Khalsa college, Chandigar"  

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Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.
I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"




A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.  Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"  


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A sardar was drawing money from ATM,
The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258"


Q:) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard... BOLO tarara!!
 

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Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept........


Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!

CONTRIBUTED RECENTLY BY A FRIEND:

Boss:Where were you born?
sardar : Punjab.
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in Punjab.

Two sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.

Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto.
A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto?
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
Boss was happy and asked what you did you do till the evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.

Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see anyone before you die?
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.

How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it....

Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna enjoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets
Jeeto: Why 3?
Santa: For you and your parents

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night.
He got irritated... drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!

Banta:U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio!


 


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