Enjoy LAUGHING OUT LOUD - 2
Also a priceless collection!
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Mercedes SUV screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie got out and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looked at the young man, then looked at the sheep grazing a few yards away and said: "All right." The young man parked the car, connected a notebook computer to his cellular telephone, entered a NASA website, scanned the ground using his GPS, opened a data base and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and then printed a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He then turned to the shepherd and said: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd answered: "That's correct, you can have your one sheep." The young man took one of the sheep and put it in the back of his SUV.
The shepherd watched him load the sheep and asked: "If I can guess your profession, will you return to me whatever you charged me for the information?
The young man answered: "Yes, why not."
The shepherd thought a moment then said: "You are a consultant!"
"How did you know?" asked the young man.
"Very simple", answered the shepherd: "First, you come here without being called. Second, you charge me a sheep to tell me something I already know. Third, it is obvious that you do not understand anything about what I do. You took my dog!"
A Brand New Element - Administratium
A brand new element - Administratium - has been discovered. A major management research institution has recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. This discovery has been tentatively named "Administratium". It has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does however, have 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. For example, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes continual reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, thus forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it!
An English lady while visiting in Switzerland, was looking for a room. She asked the school master if he could recommend one. He took her to see several, and, when everything was settled, she returned home to make final arrangements for the move. When she got home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen the W. C. (The English politely prefer to term 'the Toilet' as the 'Water Closet'!). She immediately wrote a note to the school master asking him if there was a W. C. for the selected room. The school master - a poor English scholar, asked the priest to help him in the matter. Together they tried to find a solution to the letters W. C. The only explanation they could think of was the Wayside Chapel. He then wrote the following letter to the English lady:
"I take great pleasure in informing you that a W. C. is situated nine miles from the house, further it is in a beautiful grove of pine trees. It is capable of holding 299 people and is open on Sunday and Thursday only. Since there are a great number of people, I would suggest that you come early, although there is lot of standing room. This is a most uncomfortable position if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will be pleased to know that a great number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W. C. It was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush for seats. There were 10 people in a seat usually occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expression on their faces. My wife is rather delicate, so she cannot attend regularly. It has been almost a year since she has gone. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. I would specially suggest that you go on Thursday when there is an organ accompaniment and acoustics are perfect. Even the most delicate sounds are heard by all. I would be glad to reserve a seat for you where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time and place, so they will not disturb their elders. Hoping I have been of some service."
"The School Master".
Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only question asked was, "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world" ?
The survey was a HUGE failure.
In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe they did not know what shortage" meant.
In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.
In South America they did not know what "please" meant.
In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.
And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant!
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT
Buying Paint From a Hardware Store:
Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality, which is $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?
Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $60, plus tax.
... From an Airline - (if they were selling paint!)
Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.
Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 180 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?
Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.
Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.
Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given week. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, the computer changes prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, the changed figure applies. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.
Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall, and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will in violation of our tariffs.
Customer: But what does it mater to your whether I use all the paint? I already paid for it!
Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems to the computer programme.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.
Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.
Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules in the computer programme for paint, or for flying. Thanks for flying -- I mean painting -- with our airline.